Date: 29 Jun 2017
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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 23.45

Less than a year after its launch date, the official website for the film Shutter Island continues to experience a steady decline in visitors, a "baffling" trend that has persisted since March, ShutterIsland.com employees reported Monday.

Perplexed insiders said that despite providing users with full-length theatrical trailers, a synopsis, a link to buy the music from the film, and the ability to share the site on social networking platforms like MySpace, Reddit, and Digg, daily traffic dipped last week to its lowest point in 2010.

"Frankly, we're at a loss to explain what's going on here," said site administrator Eric Walsh, poring over a report detailing September's dismal performance. "We've got all the same great reviews, cast and crew bios, and downloads that made ShutterIsland.com so popular in the first place. What more do people want?"

"It' ... Read More »

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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 23.41

Thousands thronged the docks of the capital seaport last week to watch as Congressmen boarded galleys and set sail in search of the Lost Sword of Bipartisanship, a holy relic that according to legend has the power to restore collegial relations and procedural harmony to the legislative branch.

Members of Congress, above, as they embark upon a journey from which many may never return.

Initial reports from sea confirm the expedition has already faced dire peril in its quest, which was reportedly inspired by a "radiant vision" of a sword that appeared before stunned senators and representatives in the Capitol rotunda a fortnight ago during negotiations over a minor wetlands preservation bill.

"I know in my bones this is a sign," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was overheard saying as he fell to his knees, humbled by th ... Read More »

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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 23.34

A group of leading historians held a press conference Monday at the National Geographic Society to announce they had "entirely fabricated" ancient Greece, a culture long thought to be the intellectual basis of Western civilization.

The group acknowledged that the idea of a sophisticated, flourishing society existing in Greece more than two millennia ago was a complete fiction created by a team of some two dozen historians, anthropologists, and classicists who worked nonstop between 1971 and 1974 to forge "Greek" documents and artifacts.

"Honestly, we never meant for things to go this far," said Professor Gene Haddlebury, who has offered to resign his position as chair of Hellenic Studies at Georgetown University. "We were young and trying to advance our careers, so we just started making things up: Homer, Aristotle, Socrates, Hippocrates, the lever and fu ... Read More »

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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 23.20

Four Nordic countries, including Iceland, Norway, Finland, and Sweden, topped a recent survey ranking nations for gender equality. What do you think?


Warren Bagge
Unemployed
"Sure, they're on top of the list right now, but just wait until the season when they have enough light to tell the men and women apart."


Blain Johnson
Network Administrator
"It's true. When my company transferred me to Oslo, the men were patronized and underpaid just as often as the women."


Carol Wheeler
... Read More »

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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 19.40


Sigfried the Insecure: This timid but bloodthirsty Viking finally mustered the confidence to invade coastal Britain in A.D. 793 and spent most of the assault standing near a cliff wall, both hoping and dreading someone would notice him.


John Tyler: Many forget that during Tyler's four years in office, the U.S. Army conquered Africa, Europe, Australia, most of Asia, and Mars.


Legion Of Decay: After performing a triumphant cover of the Minor Threat classic "Bottled Violence" at Topeka VFW Post 481 in late 1983, Legion of Decay enjoyed a fi ... Read More »

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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 19.35

Witnesses were reportedly baffled by both the provenance and contents of a mysterious box which, constructed of stout heart-of-oak and bound in cold iron, was brought the quay Thursday night by the H.M.S. Redoubtable, arriving from London after a passage fraught with misadventure.

The crate, standing roughly high as a man's chest and somewhat wider than a span of arms, has instilled in those who spoke to reporters a sense of great disquiet and foreboding, with many alleging the object to be possessed of strange properties that defy easy reckoning.

"Be right glad to be shut of that, whatsoever it may hold," said the captain of the Redoubtable, pointing to the box, about whose odd geometry a fog had curled in unclean tendrils. "That haze arrived the same minute we winched it aboard—upon my soul, it did. And the very next morrow we found the boson sprawle ... Read More »

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Added by: Ankh
Sunday, 17 Oct 2010, 19.11

As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.

The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.

"Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest," said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in re ... Read More »

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